i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
