I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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