i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
