Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
