just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
