This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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