why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
