Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
