worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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