I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
