Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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