i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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