Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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