FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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