i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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