It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
