I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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