im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
