is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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