All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
