Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
