If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
