hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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