i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
