Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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