the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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