I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
