Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
we're so committed to being not committed
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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