just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
