My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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