i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
