they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
