he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
