the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
