you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
