i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
