So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
