Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
