the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
