Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
