I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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