What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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