Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
