I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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