his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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