I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
