There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
