Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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