whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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