this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
