question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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