I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i think i just lost a toe
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
